“So, until we know if we’ve contracted this… magical lip disease,” she paused to shudder, “we have to be under a kiss quarantine.”
“So you’re saying that we can’t kiss anyone who hasn’t been exposed to this thing-- namely each other.”
She looked up at him defiantly in the face of his raised eyebrows.
“Yes! It’s a public safety thing.”
“A ruddy convenient public safety thing, if you ask me. You realize you have no rights to have me exclusively so you figure out a way to do it without admitting your feelings for me!”
“I… pfffft! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Slayer, or your heart wouldn’t have shot up like a bloody pistol when I said it.”
“Just stop!” She shouted, spinning around and dropping herself on the couch.
She hadn’t, in fact, worked out on her own how feeble of an attempt to keep him from kissing other people this was. Her mind was reeling from how obvious it should’ve been.
She was so afraid of this thing that made her happy that she was actually successfully lying to herself. She’d always wondered how people did that, and there was the answer, right in front of her.
She refused to believe that they could have a real relationship, but thinking of him with anyone else made her feel like dying.
“Why am I like this?”
Her voice was quiet and broken. Immediately he deflated. Example number 23489271 of how he couldn’t stay angry with her when she was hurting.
“What do you mean, pet?”
“I can’t just let myself be happy. Since I came back, I can’t feel anything unless I’m with you, but I refuse to let myself have that. Instead I walk around like a zombie and hurt everyone around me, especially you. Because god forbid you see just how much you mean to me, right?”
He heaved a sigh and knelt down beside her.
“I might not much like it, but I do understand it if you can’t tell your mates about us yet. But when it’s just us? You don’t need to pretend like this thing between us doesn’t matter to you. You can trust me, whether you want to think so or not.”
“I know I can, and that scares the hell out of me. I trusted Angel, too, and people died. The whole world almost ended because I’m bad at deciding who to trust.”
His heart broke a little at her words. He hadn’t realized just how deep her lack of self confidence went after the Angelus situation.
“You were young, Buffy, and I can promise you I’m not my bloody grandsire. I don’t have a soul to lose, but whatever I do have belongs to you. I wouldn’t hurt you, pet, I swear.”
It was silent for a long moment before she spoke again.
“I’m going to tell everyone. I’m done hiding.”
She was so wrapped up in the turmoil of her thoughts that she didn’t realize he hadn’t responded for several minutes. When she did, she looked over and saw him staring up at her in awe.
“Are you having me on, Buffy?”
She pursed her lips together and shook her head. “I can’t walk away from this, and we clearly can’t go on how we’ve been. What use is a slayer that’s so wrapped up in her own head that she can lie to herself and believe it?”
“So you’re going to tell them all… what, exactly?”
He was desperate to know how she was going to phrase her confession to the group.
“That we’ve been dating for a little while and we decided it’s time to tell everyone. It’s cliff notes without being… wrong, exactly.”
“When exactly did you coming to me for comfort and then kicking me away turn into dating, Slayer?”
He regretted his words immediately when she flinched. She turned her piercing green gaze to him.
“I might have fought you about it tooth and nail, Spike, but since the first time we kissed I considered us together.”
She relished in the strength of his embrace as he pulled her forward and hugged her tightly.
“Could stay here forever.”
It’s amazing, how quickly one little emotion set free turns into a million. The dam she’d hid her feelings for Spike behind had sprung a leak just moments ago, and suddenly her true feelings were flooding through the landscape of her mind and escaping onto her tongue. Easier each time.
“Tell me this isn’t a dream, Buffy, please,” he begged.
“It isn’t a dream, I promise. I’m right here with you. Terrified as hell, but right here with you.”
“You think I’m not afraid?”
She froze and began to stammer. “I-I-I… I guess… I just didn’t…”
“I’m barely holding it together I’m so afraid right now, love. I’ve had my heart ripped out so many times and stomped on you think I’d be used to it by now, but instead each time it feels like the first, just a little bit worse. And with you… it’s so much worse. Because I love you more than words can say, and thinkin’ I might be able to have you and then bein’ kicked away… I’d rather you just stake me.”
Tears flooded down her eyes.
“Spike… I’m so sorry. “
“No, I’m sorry, pet. Didn’t tell you that to make you cry or feel bad, I swear.”
“I know, I just… I’m going to prove to you that this time is different. I’m doing this for real, Spike. We’re going to take our shot at being together.”
He grinned broadly at her.
“Not much in the universe you could do to make me happier, sweets.”
She relaxed back into his embrace again, before pulling back suddenly to look at him again.
“But just because I tell everyone, doesn’t mean you can suddenly kiss other people, buster! Kiss quarantine is still in effect!”
“Are you off your sodding bird, Slayer? I finally get you to admit to the world that I’m the one sharing your bed and you think I’m going to ruin it by snogging some other bint?!”
“I don’t know, maybe?” Her voice was defiant, but an adorable blush colored her cheeks.
He chuckled and pulled her against his side, pressing a kiss into her hair.
“You might be completely daft sometimes, love, but I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world.”
Her words were soft, almost inaudible, but there were there.
“Me either.”
